Partner for Life: Love vs Arranged Marriage

Marriage, the un-arranged version (aka 'love marriage')

Looking at most of my friends' experiences as to how they met their life partner: they got together through meeting at the work place and going out one night and getting pissed; or at uni, during a truth or dare game when they had to kiss each other. Some physical attraction was there, then the ol' alcohol lubricant moved things along. Then they went out with each other for sometime before moving in together; then either getting pregnant and then marrying or vice versa. (These are British stories hence the key role alcohol plays in them).

The point I have to underline is that the meeting- is totally random - some might say luck and fate but I think random. Depends which uni or job you chose, which holiday you booked last minute in a panic. Some others I know met through close friends (which you can say is similar to arranged marriage but minus some key features).

Marriage, the modern arranged version (in India)

In today's India, this is simply called 'introductions'. Around the age of 23 (or possibly earlier) couples are introduced by their parents or introduce themselves through online methods, to potential life partners. Each young candidate has their personal profile known as bio-data - e.g. caste, doctored physical appearance ('wheatish' complexion rather than 'dark'), parental occupations, siblings' occupations, caste, education, star sign, etc. Marriage is the objective and from the first conversation it is all about that.

Some classic questions are "do you make tea?" and "do you brush your teeth before bed?"

There's the sharing of intimate stories of your childhood on why you still sleep with the light on, or are scared of dragonflies and what effect your bossy Mother has had on you. These long intimate discussions happen on IM or the phone with a stranger often from your ancestral village. Perhaps before you've even set eyes on them for real.

Of course you're both from the same caste and from 'good families' as identified by the Parents. You are actually marrying the family rather than simply the individual. Typically people decide within 3 months of knowing the person and go ahead and get engaged.

Comparing the two...

So with the love marriage- it is crazy that you are basing such an important decision to pure chance and luck that you will just run into and meet the 'ideal' person.

With arranged marriage it's certainly much more logical and practical. It rules out any romantic notion of eyes meeting over a crowded room and having a crazy love affair in Rome on a vespa and getting married before the week is out. This almost happened to me, though the city was London not Roma. Or does it rule out this kind of crazy attraction? Perhaps not. There is something very crazy for me to think about starting a conversation with a stranger, prospecting them blatantly as someone you'll spend the rest of your life with. BUT given that marriage is a contract and a compromise often with fixed roles, this could be a much saner approach to the whole shebang. Living with someone and having a family is not always very romantic (arguments over hairs all over the bathroom) and is often more of a practical arrangement.

Plus don't forget in India you often will both live with the groom's family. So more pressure. As one of my colleagues (aged 24 looking to have an arranged marriage shortly) says "any 2 sane individuals can fall in love" (i would say 2 insane ones can just as happily)..i guess as long as there's a click, neither method is fail- nor fool- proof but at least if that's what you're looking for, a wife/hubbie and a family, the arranged route, in terms of introductions, and not simply meeting your partner at the alter so to speak (which is rare nowadays) could work well.

Well, yes, as long as you fall in love...right? Can you know in advance that you will fall in love 'in some time'? Is growing into love more long lasting than falling head over heels, nose over toes. In my experiences of love, after one month, or sometimes less, I consciously chose to fall or not to fall. and that decision was irreversible- the relationship had to live out its natural life span.

And does passion actually grow with time? Or as Coco Chanel put it "I loathe passion, what an abomination, what a ghastly disease!..the passionate man takes no notice of the outside world or of other people; he sees them merely as instruments". If not passion though, at least attraction and strong physical connection is essential I would think.

I guess the sad part of arranged marriages is that it promotes in-breeding and a narrow gene pool. Few families are going to introduce cross- race, cross-caste, cross-religion couples to each other. If values and personalities were the main criteria, rather than caste, I would be a huge fan.